so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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