Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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