I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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