so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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