I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
