you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
