Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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