well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
