I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize