What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
