i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
