I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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