I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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