Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize