i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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