so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
