when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
