My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
