I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
