This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize