I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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