I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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