this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
