you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
