My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize