i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
