the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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