fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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