so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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