did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
