there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
