put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Everything about him screamed your future.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Randomize
