I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
