She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
