I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
