yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
