He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's official drugs can't kill me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
