So drunk its hurt
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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