Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
