Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
