woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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