The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
