My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
