Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
