Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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