I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
