I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
