I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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