my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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