I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize