How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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