I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
