yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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