Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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