I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
