Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
