nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
