omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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