You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
